Episode 4: Decisions decisions...

Both of these options are hard to come by. Both of these options may lead me to a brighter future.

Before I made any decisions, I made sure I spoke to a few people and hear what they have to say. The first person I approached was my chef, my mentor, the person that inspired me to do what I do, and the person that taught me about life... Chef Harris. His opinion weights heavier than anything anyone says.

Chef Harris weights out both of the options and we spoke about the things that each of them can offer me:

Going to France, the birth place of fine cuisine is such an exquisite experience. But the question is, where will I be sent to? An unknown bistro in the country side of France that no one knows about? When I put that on my resume, no one will know where that place is and how reputable it is. They will just see that you have worked in France for 3 months...

A restaurant owned by Michael White, a well established chef in the culinary world, is known by many in the industry. Having a chance to work in one of his establishments will look much brighter in your resume. Working there will give you plenty more opportunities in the future. That is what you need to do right now, put yourself out there. 

Then I spoke to a few of my close friends that are also into culinary arts from school. They told me the same thing.

Going to France is a great experience but working under a chef that is already well known is better. Think of the networks that you can be building and chances of moving to their other restaurants.

One of them already did the 3 month France work abroad program, so those are not empty words.

At the end, I weighted out both choices and I picked staying in NYC working in Chef White's restaurant. Chef Harris and my friends were right. I need to do what is best for myself right now. Both are really rare opportunities, but what I picked was the better of the two. This was what I needed to do.

Chef Harris and I in the awards reception dinner.

Check out this song here by Bryant Dope. A Queens kid trying to make a scene in the music industry. A simple yet motivational song. Straight forward.

Bryant Dope ft Talib Kweli - Live Your Dreams

Episode called Life: Behind the Smiles

To the person that broke my heart:

The first time I opened my heart. The first time I thought I found the one I have been searching for. Although it was too early to tell, but I had that feeling. I really thought you were the one. We had opposite personalities and characteristics, but yet we still felt the connection. I mean, we met at the most random circumstances... Hundreds of people sat in front of me but it had to be you. Is that not fate doing her job or what? The first time I saw you, everything about you were flawless. As I got to know you more, I fell for your personality completely. Utter defeat.

What a shame this has to end. It felt like a dream. A dream that I don't want to wake up from. My head was really in the clouds. Then BAM, it hits you (haha, I had to use this line). The moment you said those words, so much just went through my mind. So much that I couldn't express in time. So much emotions. So much unspoken words. Then my mind went completely blank. I guess this is a wake up call. Good dreams will eventually come to an end. But this was a short dream though... only if it was longer.

"You are an amazing guy..."
I obviously wasn't amazing enough for you...

"You will find someone who will touch your heart..."
My heart got shattered to many pieces already, it will be hard to find them and place them back to where they once belonged...

"I respect you so much that's why I am telling you all this..."
I really really appreciate and respect your honesty, which is another reason why I fell for you. But never would I have thought that this is what torn my heart apart...

"I want us to still be friends, but if you don't feel the same, I understand..."
The worse possible thing a female can say to a male. At this point my conditions were critical. How can I bare seeing you... as a friend after this. BUT how can I just erase you from my memories... I wish it was as easy as erasing the blackboard. I cant. All I can say is... it's okay. We can still be friends. Oh the biggest lie I ever told. It hurts. It really hurts... so much...

"I will not go there anymore so you won't have to see me..."
Hearing this I turned from critical condition to certified broken hearted. What's left of my heart is now with the other pieces somewhere else. How dare you think of me so selfish as to tell you not to do/go something/somewhere... I respect you way too much to even dare think of anything like this. And it hurts me even more that you would say something like that. Shame on you.

NOW, only if I was this analytical and well composed, maybe it might have ended differently.

That conversation puts me in such a difficult position. A position where I have to pick one or the other... feels almost like a movie. Me being myself, I obviously picked wanting to be friends with you again. I'll be here when you need someone to talk to... or a shoulder to lean on... I'll be here. That pinky promise ain't for show. When I pull that pinky out, it goes. Haha (insider joke). As cliche as it gets, I guess you being happy is all I really want... that was something I forgot to tell you though.

Hey, even though you are portrait as a bad guy here, don't worry, I am just venting ^.^ You won't see this post anyways so it really doesn't matter. Although a part of me wishes you would see this. Maybe after reading this will change your mind? Haha, I am a dreamer after all.

It hurts so much, but tears won't come out. Was I not as attached to you as much as I thought I did? All those unspoken words... all those hidden emotions... I wish I poured them out that moment. Arggg. Dammit Jason, why do you always make yourself regret shit that you didn't do? Now I will be forever be left with an imperfect smile. Maybe until someday I find that person that you spoke of. The one that will put the pieces back together. Or maybe it will get better in time. Time heals all wounds after all... and I hope that goes for you too.

I apologize for not being able to mend the broken heart that you were left with... I tried... I really did.

Now I know what it means when someone says the pain behind those smiles... So much pain is hidden underneath it. Almost unbearable. Smiling from afar when I see you happy... (pretty creepy).


Sincerely,
The guy behind the smiles


P.S. Sorry people, I completely forgot about the follow up post from the last update. I'll give you that one after this one. I felt like I have to pick up the pen and pour my heart out on this one...

And Last but not least, today I present you the talented Bruno Mars. This song was first released off his EP, It's Better If You Don't Understand, then it went on his official debut studio album "Doo-Wops & Hooligans." It talks about how you can count on your friend... blah blah blah... Bottom line is, I'll be there for you.
Bruno Mars - Count on Me